Engagement: The Initiation of Marriage

The Written Torah introduces us to the concept a Pilegesh (Concubine) is a relationship in which the woman is committed to the man but not engaged or married to the man as his spouse/wife. A married woman is acquired/sanctified by a man.

Erusin (אירוסין‎) is the engagement of the woman to the man. In essence, she is being acquired by the man. They can not have relations if she had an אירוסין‎ without completing the rituals pertaining to marriage. Today, the אירוסין‎ is performed today as part of the combination of rituals in the Jewish marital ceremony as a way to avoid the issues of merely being an אירוסה.

Kiddushin (קידושין) is the holy aspect of אירוסין‎. It is the sanctification of a woman to a man which is how a woman becomes concentrated property to Hashem.

The beginning of the Mishnah in Kiddushin says that a woman can be acquired in 3 ways: a document, money, or cohabitation (Kiddushin 2a). The second chapter mentions the act of קידושין as opposed to the mere form of acquisition. Thus, we know that marriage is not like acquiring an object.

The act of קידושין does not require the man to be in any physical contact with the woman. In contemporary times, all of the 3 ways are done. Money is substituted for a ring while the other things remain the same.

Since the process of קידושין can be done through a 3rd-party messenger (שליח), it can be done with the man meeting her. Thus, the sages mandated that the man would have to be in the same place as the woman in a process called “Nissuin” (נישואין) – the completion of the marital process performed by them being physically together under the Chuppah (חופה) – Wedding Canopy. The נישואין is rabbinic in nature as it ensures that a man does not marry without being together with his wife. The Sages also made it forbidden (אסור) to be married via relations (ביאה) because they were concerned that this would lead to immorality.

In contemporary times, both the קידושין is part of the same ceremony as נישואין.

Note: The Biblical Hebrew term for a wife is an “Eishet Ish” (אשת איש) – Woman of a Man. Another term is Ishto – “his wife” (אשתו) literally “his woman”. A husband is called “Baalah (בעלה) – her master.